Sunday, May 28, 2006

Let's Get Ready To Grumble!!!

This weekend saw the BC NDP transfer their bruised and battered image onto themselves as individuals when a brawl broke out at a Caucus gathering.
"The meeting started off as all the Caucus meetings do with a roll call off all the important NDP figures.", our insider told us. "You know, the leaders of the unions, Federal Leader Jack Layton, the guy who organizes the trashing of non-NDP signs during elections, etc. Then all of a sudden Carole James wanted to be introduced and well, you know, that's just weird as this was a roll call of leaders."
While this intrepid Poly has received many versions of the events inside the Fairmont Vancouver Airport Hotel this weekend, what happened next is consistent in all reports (except for the memo we received from Adrian Dix which involved a unicorn).
"So, when the MC would not introduce Carole, she says, "But I'm the leader" and House Opposition Leader and party leader wanna-be Mike Farnworth snickers "for now" which of course got Harry Lali giggling "good one Mikey" which led to hair pulling - and once Carole got a good handful of Mike's back hair, the fight was on!"
It the middle of throwing punches at each other, Mike would taunt Carole with verbal jabs of "way to go Ms. 37% popular support" and "will Vaughn continue writing your questions for the next question period?" while Carole countered with "oh Mike, wanna give a friend a casino license or fudge a budget?"
The fighting only stopped when Gregor Robertson hid under a table rocking back and forth looking confused - just as he does when in the Legislature. This united the fighting "leaders" as everyone joined in pointing and laughing at Gregor and then went home.
But would not the time spent fighting have been better spent reviewing policy?
"Policy?", our NDP contact exclaimed. "That's what the unions do for us. Why duplicate the work?"

Friday, May 26, 2006

These Bluffs Are Our Land - To Be Clear, Not Your Land

"Leave me! Take my man servant! Take him!” – and with those words from the back of a police car, Dennis Perry’s dreams of being an activist were dashed.

Perry, a former investment banker, failed Green Party candidate, million dollar home owner and the Captain of the West Vancouver pre-Olympic Agitation Team or "The Coalition to Save Eagleridge Bluffs", spent the last 39 days in a trial run with his Team. Their goal? Well according to their Mission Statement, " preserve the unique biodiversity of Eagleridge Bluffs, the Larson Creek Wetlands and the Baden-Powell Centennial Trail that connects them."

Much like the great "Rock, Paper, Scissors" environmental kafuffle of last month, this sounds cute and all - but the "biodiversity" stuff is wrong and apparently, so was their purpose.

“The environment?” scoffed one protester. “Who cares? We just do not want common folks coming so close to our homes. I mean, isn't it enough we hire them to serve us and now they want to drive on a public road? Ridiculous.”

This culturally diverse group of white, beige, cream and even vanilla West Van Bluffists came together to allow their servants and wait staff participate in this demonstration - a demonstration with a profound purpose.

“We were told that once the land was bulldozed for our mansions, private clubs and secret nuclear fallout bunkers that we would be able to have the Bluffs as our private perfect human breeding ground.”, a spokesperson sobbed. "We were lied to and now it's all gone."

Alas, this was not to be and this has left a bad taste in the mouths of these dedicated latte swilling protesters. Some of whom only got eight hours of sleep each evening in their beds at their homes, had to drive themselves to the protest site each day or had limited access to their staff to retrieve coffee from Starbucks.

Yesterday was the final chapter in this tale which saw three different courts point out - and we are paraphrasing here - "Your whiny, self righteous, hypocritical activism coupled with your bogus environmental science is wasting the court's time. Go home - either your West Van home, your summer home, your chateau in Whistler, or your cabin in the woods - we don't care, just stop your crap."

"This is a slippery slope," another protester pointed out of these legal rulings. "What's next? A minimum wage for workers? Or perhaps a democratic election system where non-rich folks and even non-whites are allowed to vote? Well, I'm sorry my friend, that is not MY West Vancouver...not my West Van whatsoever!!"

Next week - the complete results from the 39 day Bluffs Olympics.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Cigarettes Bad - NDP Worse

Yesterday, Health Canada announced that there will be provocative new images and slogans placed on cigarette packages in order to inform consumers of the harmful effects of this deadly product. Buried deep in the report was the fact that all deadly, destructive items need to be labeled as harmful - including the New Democratic Party.
"Well, we believe it is long overdue," a guy who said he is with Health Canada told us. "Any item - or political party - which can kill tourism, business, employment and prosperity needs to be at least labeled as bad and at best, put into a rocket ship and shot to the centre of the sun."
Our contact was able to provide the a draft of the packaging the NDP would be forced to utilize (pictured above). The image of leader Carole James with failed candidate Bart Healey and MLA Diane Thorne all sharing a good hearty laugh is quite frightening.
How is the NDP dealing with this shocking news?
"We are outraged I say...outraged!", a Dipper spokesperson emoted. "As a group, we NDP were the best government the province has ever had! The 1990's rocked! I mean, we had the Fudge-It-Budget, so named because it was so sweet; we loved building decks; we provided excellent overpriced ferries and Premier Glen Clark invited the RCMP to his house to party down. We NDP are great!"
"Many problems are associated with a dangerous product like the NDP", the guy from Health Canada continued. "The NDP have short term memory issues, delusions of grander and the need to repeat things over and over, no matter how outlandish and even false. Again, my idea of the rocket ship with destination sun needs to be considered."
So how about it NDP spokesperson? How do you respond?
"We are outraged I say...outraged!", a Dipper spokesperson emoted. "As a group, we NDP were the best government the province has ever had! The 1990's rocked! I mean, we had the Fudge-It-Budget, so named because it was so sweet; we loved building decks; we provided excellent overpriced ferries and Premier Glen Clark invited the RCMP to his house to party down. We NDP are great!"
Scary...isn't it?

Friday, May 19, 2006

NDP Assistants To Go On Strike?

What do you call a group of folks whose assistants are considering going on strike? Why, the NDP Opposition of course!
It appears that the Constituency Assistants (CAs) to the NDP MLAs - the folks who essentially run the MLA's community offices - have walked away from the negotiating table and may soon be going on strike.
With the BC Liberals having been able to sign all public unions to new contracts before set deadlines, it is troubling that the NDP cannot work with the BCGEU (who represent the CAs) to find labour peace. There must be some very complicated, tricky points which to the lay person, would be near impossible to comprehend.
"We want more money! We want more money!", an outraged Dipper assistant shared with us while swinging a baseball bat around. He concluded with, "We want more money! We want more money!"
The NDP Chief of Staff, David "Ah Come On Guys, Listen To Me" Perry forwarded a confidential memo on May 1st to the NDP MLAs and staff saying "a tentative agreement" with the CAs had been reached. However, in a Carole James-ion move he has verbally told his people that the deal is off.
What makes this odd is that today is the six month anniversary of the "Great NDP Flip-Flop" where the NDP voted against raises to the MLAs and a major influx of cash to run the Constituency Office - after first voting days earlier in favour of this plan.
Furthermore, there is absolutely no mention of the negotiations of these CAs on the BCGEU website. The website typically displays every step of progress - or lack thereof - on negotiations but nothing at all on their Dipper friends. This too appears odd.
"It is not odd at all," a BCGEU representative shared with us during an extended smoke break. "We do not advertise how much cash we funnel to the NDP so we are not going to discuss this part of the plan."
Wait! Plan? What does that mean?!
Quickly extinguishing his cigarette our source scurried away yelling, "I have said too much!"
Then it hit us - no, not that bat wielding monkey (although that would have been cool...and painful) - but what the plan possibly could be. Could this all just be a rouse to have all of the BCGEU go on strike? You see, if the NDP CAs strike would the other unions join in and support as a "sympathy strike"? We chased after a slow running, hacking BCGEU insider for comment on a possible "sympathy strike".
"Well, no one really has sympathy for the NDP but heck, we sure do enjoy a good self righteous summer time strike! This is also good practice for our BCTF friends!"

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The NDP to Hire The Riddler?

With just two more Question Periods remaining in this session, the NDP are breathing a sigh of relief that their lame standing in the House is almost over.
"We are so totally out of good questions," a nervous NDP staffer confessed. "I mean, every day is like a test for which we have not studied and are just picking "C" on the multiple choice! We're so screwed."
As this intrepid Poly reported some weeks ago, NDP Leader Carole James offered a caucus position to Vancouver Sun political reporter and drag car racer, Vaughn Palmer, since "the NDP's questions during Question Period...[are] really just our fine Dippers reading lines from Palmer's writings."
This really leads to the question of "does the Pew Nemocratic Darty have a plan to handle the next Question Period in the coming session?"
"You bet your feathered head we do!", our Dipper contact exclaimed. "To help us with Question Period in the Fall, we have hired...The Riddler."
What?! The Riddler from Batman fame? This just does not seem like a good move.
"This is a great move!", our source cooed. "Now this guy can ask questions...I mean, he IS the Riddler! We were going to get the original Riddler, Frank Gorshin, but we discovered he died a year ago today and since we already carry enough dead wood...*cough* Gregor Robertson *cough*...we went with the 1990's Riddler version 'cause we did a lot of sweet things that decade."
You mean like the Fudge-It-Budget? Or Adrian Dix's fake memos? Or perhaps Casino Gate?
"Yep...those were the last times we had awesome original ideas! So with The Riddler coming aboard how can we lose?!"
However, all is not well. We received an email from the Riddler earlier this morning saying, "I am not joining the NDP. I may be criminally insane but I'm not stupid."

Monday, May 15, 2006

Carole James Tries (Poorly) To Put Positive Spin On Poll

Mustel Group's latest poll results show that "Support for BC Liberals [is] Strong" - in fact stronger than a year ago when the BC Liberals formed Government.
"I certainly enjoy a good poll," our political annalist, Shawn Manhole declared, "And this poll is a solid indication that the firm, rigid forward thrusting movements of the BC Liberals will take us all to great heights! Giddy up!"
Any-who...the poll shows that support for the BC Liberals is at 54% - 8 points higher than a year ago; while the NDP would somehow earn 37% - down 5 points from last election - with the Green Party taking 5% and all other parties stealing away 4%.
But how has Carole James and the NDP received this news? Well, in a shocking photo forwarded to this hot little Poly which was described by Manhole as "shocking, disturbing yet strangely arousing", ol' CJ has taken to the clubs to get her message out.
"Look, Carole will not go down easily," a frustrated Dipper staffer assured us. "Her plan is to show the world that she has the skills to get her members, er numbers, up."
How about focusing on the needs of British Columbians instead of pandering to the will of unions?
"Get real," our source responded. "Everyone knows that polls can be rigged for an outcome. For example, did you know that 100% of our union leaders want the NDP to rule BC? Or that 100% of union leaders prefer to sit on the NDP Board of Directors than not? Or 100% of union leaders surveyed do not have a problem supplying "off the books" labour to the NDP during elections? Or that really 87% of the population would vote for the NDP if an election were held today? These are the kind of figures which really matter to the NDP."
These numbers seem quite made up. Since Mustel can be referenced as the source for the figures of the BC Liberals dominating the polls, we asked the Dippers to supply a source for their poll.
Good luck with that.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Denial of Service Code

This delightful Poly would like to apologize to the millions of folks who log into this site each and every day for fair and unbiased reporting of the BC Political scene only to find that over the last five days, there were no updates!
It seems some one - or someones-es - hacked the Blogger site with a Denial of Service attack which prevented new articles from being updated. Blogger and parent company Google (motto: "Does Your Mother Know What You Look For Online?") are investigating. However, in the spirit of the Da Vinci Code movie coming out this week, we here at the Poly have two clues as to who may have tried to block this site from being updated:
First clue in the form of an anagram:
Pew Nemocratic Darty
...and the second clue:
Uig Bnions
If you can crack these clues, please write to us at Not to worry, a new shocking Poly article will be up tomorrow (Monday).

Monday, May 08, 2006

"Stop the tests - or the bird gets it!" - Jinny Sims

BCTF President, Jinny Sims, has escalated her assault on the Foundation Skills Assessment testing as today marks the start of the tests.
"Today is both a day of mourning and a day of action," a BCTF spokesperson announced via the BCTF web based radio program We Hate Your Children. "For each day the tests are held, we will execute a non-union teacher type. No dues - no mercy!"
As proof, we here at the intrepid Poly were able to capture this photo of Jinny Sims with beloved Sesame Street character Big Bird. (Note: Big Bird is on the right)
However, according to a brochure on the BCTF website, the FSAs have a negative impact on students, teachers, and quite possibly the reason why the BCTF administration require Viagra. As a consequence, the BCTF want parents to pull their kids from school during the 11 days when the tests are being held.
With all this in mind, Jinny's latest kidnapping plot does seem a little out of control.
"This is not out of control.", the spokesperson continued. "A well a everybody's heard about the bird...bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word and the word is dead. All praise Jinny."
Further in the broadcast we hear from the captive bird him/herself.
"This b***h is f****n' crazy!", Big Bird laments on the audio portion of the broadcast. "A 24% raise?! Tests are bad for kids?! She's out of her f*****n' mind! Oh! Yeah, her trying to kill me is kinda lame too. Send help."
"We will kill the bird," the broadcaster concludes. "We have killed before...we have killed the ability to negotiate reasonably; we have killed our you know we are serious."

Friday, May 05, 2006

The NDP Three Stooges - Moe, Lali and Farny

It appears current Opposition House Leader, Mike Farnworth is indeed stepping up his super secret bid to become the next leader of the BC NDP.
"Mike has assembled two of the greatest NDP minds to have not - as of this writing - served any major jail time", a friend of Farny boasted. "With this crack team he has assembled, how can he lose?"
Yes this IS quite the team. Mike has tapped former MLA and failed television newscaster, Moe "It's Not My Fault - Don't Call Me Patty" Sihota and current MLA colleague and Titanic movie inspirer Harry "On the Side of Organized Labour" Lali to assist in his quiet bid to de-throne current leader, Carole James.
But why these two?
"With Moe's creative thinking and ability to escape trouble, he will be able to guide Mikey through the murky waters of being an NDP leader." Mikes friend continued. "I mean, if the Law Society suspended a lawyer for unethical behaviour, then he is our kind of guy!"
But what about Lali? It appears his claim to fame is keeping one of the backbenches warm in Victoria.
"Lali is our direct pipeline to the unions...he can get us the funds and off the books labour we need," the friend bragged. "Not that Mikey cannot just get it again as he did during the 2005 election, but this time Lali will head up that side of the operation to keep MF's hands clean."
With these developments taking place surely the Carole James camp must be wanting to mount a strong defense. However a source close to CJ wrote to us in an email, "As long as Moe, Lali and Farny are working together, Carole's chances of remaining leader have just increased!"

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

NDP Spy vs Spy

Rumours have been milling about that a leadership coup is brewing within the ranks the BC NDP. But now, the stakes have been raised as Mike "Macho Man" Farnworth is gaining momentum against current leader Carole "I'm Prettier Than Carol Taylor, Right?" James. In fact, it is getting down right dirty.
"The tension and level of violence is just unbelievable," our NDP caucus source told us. "I mean, not as unbelievable as say an NDP Fudge-It Budget or BCTF President Jinny Sims demand for a 24% raise, but still pretty bad."
The real problems began in November when Mikey F. worked with BC Liberal House Leader Mike "Da Donger" de Jong on the MLA raises and constituency office budget increases. When the BCTF, BC Fed and BCGEU unions called Carole onto the carpet for the raises since they could not get a percentage of the increase, James changed her position.
"Mike was enraged!", a former pool boy of the Opposition House Leader confirmed. "He almost used fact and common sense as opposed to just yelling when he was ranting against James. Her flipping back and forth like a farmed salmon at a fundraising event was unbelievable. I mean, not as unbelievable as the poor questions she and fellow Dippers ask in question period which are really just copies of Vaughn Palmer's thoughts, but still pretty bad."
And things continued to get worse in this "Spy vs Spy" dramedy.
"Mike and Carole just try to tear each other apart", our NDP caucus source continued. "Mike would ask Carole difficult questions such as "which province borders BC to the east" while Carole delights in bringing up issues where cuts to the Health Budget were made when Mikey was Health Minister in the '90's then ending with, "which moron did that?"."
But where will it end? What will happen if MF and CJ destroy each other?
"My God, we hope that will not happen," caucus boy exclaimed. "That could cause something unbelievable to happen such as Gregor "Not Living Up To Expectations" Robertson taking a run at the leadership or the NDP dropping down to only two members. That would never happen...again...could it?"

Monday, May 01, 2006

Fish and Dips

Police were called to break up a riot at the pavilion Ballroom at Stanley Park during the April 26th Vancouver Burrard NDP Riding Association after Carole James sided with a group of farmed salmon.
"That's right!", a representative from the Riding Association proclaimed. "Them non-union farmed salmon got in here, started talking fact based stuff from the BC Salmon Farmers Association - which confused the bejesus out of us - then all hell broke loose."
From all accounts, the farmed salmon - or "scab salmon" - was on the menu for the evening's dinner. As word of the main course circulated through the room the Dippers become self righteous and trashed the place. The reason for this hostility? During the 2005 election, the NDP Platform (see page 50) called for a reinstatement of a moratorium on open-net fish farms with strong hints towards a boycott of farmed salmon. So it must be because of environmental reasons for this anti fish farming stance.
"What are you...Sims, I mean stupid?", our contact stammered. "[Official Opposition Critic for the Environment and No Pants Day advocate] Shane Simpson is still way too busy with that whole rock, paper, scissors thing so the environment is not the reason. We are against the farmed salmon 'cause they is farmed by non-union folks."
That's right. NDP policy makers such as BC Fed President Jim "Sexy Moustache" Sinclair and BCTF President Jinny "Sexy Moustache II" Sims assisted with the anti-farm salmon policy as the industry is mostly staffed by non-union workers, many of whom are Aboriginal.
But even with all the posturing of the evening, everyone still ate their meal. So what about Carole along with other NDPers and unionists chowing down on the farmed salmon - is that not hypocritical?
"It's not at all," our contact stammered. "We always look out for our best interests. But while we stand on principal we dine on salmon!"